When my neighbor's cousin's brother-in-law told me about this game trailer
his coworker showed him, I was dubious and through it into my mental sack
of other games to ignore. But something very specific piqued my curiosity.
The simple word "greatest." As a patrician gamer, I feel I have a fair
stake on the committee of greatest games of all time, and all of those games
are known to me; this one was not. This one didn't even seem to have a name!
There was a pescatarian smell in the air and my nose was twitching with rage.
So, I began another noble investigation. I've found many pieces, but I'm still
searching for that fated smoking gun. Their secrets are sloppy and transparent,
but the circumstances are so incomprehensible that the cause and effect is eluding even me.
You can find a subset of my findings below. If you have any insights,
I've probably already thought about them so you can keep them to yourself.
Who's Writing the Manual?
A prominent "feature" in this remake is an in-game digitization of the
"real, physical" manual from the "original" game.
Pardon my excessive double-quoting, but if this manual really existed,
then why would the remake developers need to stick these "notes" all
over it?
Why is the edge so beaten and battered?
They'll tell you that they've found archival material and are trying
to update it for the consumer.
In my humble opinion, that's total barn mud.
Clearly, one of two factors is at play. Either they scuffed and marked up some
underpaid artists brand new work to hide the fact that it was new and
further lead noble servants of truth like myself down the path of trying
to uncover the "original game" even though I say there is no original game, of course.
Or, there is someone crafty on the inside who has a speck of shame in their soul and
knows that their actions are immoral and indefensible.
They convinced their dull middle-managers that "a quirky diagetic hint
system would be a powerful mechanic of meta-engagement for the post-irony
obsessed menials of our target demo." If this is the case, hats off to you my friend.
Either way, this manual may be the key to unravelling what is the true goal
of these "devs." The inconsistency and the laziness is so blatant that
it is honestly perplexing my deduction. They are playing a chaos game
to obscure the path, but I am the bringer of order; I see right through it.
The Closet Skeletons: EXPOSED
A good investigator knows where the lines are, and a real
investigator knows how to read between them. These cute little
developer commentary interstitials seem like a good basis for uncovering
the past of the individuals at play here, but while most would waste their time digging
into their social media and public records, I immediately saw the glaring red flag hiding
in plain sight.
Ah to be a hip developer with stickers haphazardly plastered all over
and otherwise beautiful and perfect machine. But what's this? A little
blue man? A just an innocent mascot of his favorite corporate4 cespool
no doubt. Ah but that would be wrong. This is, in fact, a devious little
cretin known as Hubert.
Ah to be a hip developer with stickers haphazardly plastered all over
and otherwise beautiful and perfect machine. But what's this? A little
blue man? A just an innocent mascot of his favorite corporate4 cespool
no doubt. Ah but that would be wrong. This is, in fact, a devious little
cretin known as Hubert.
I saw this little guy and was immediately both enamored and horrified.
That's how I know my raw instincts are onto something. I found that
Hubert is actually a prominently featured character in the game
Deitrus.
Following my gut, I went and played Deitrus, but I was not prepared for
the horrors that Hubert had in store for me. Now, I am not a licensed psychologist,
but to my eye Hubert is a textbook case of an anti-social narcisstic psychopath.
Actually, from my life experience, this depiction is so accurate and so uncanny,
I can only conclude that this is a mirror ot the actual developer; a self-insert even.
This poor, heinous soul is probably so confused by their twisted mental state that
they needed to create a digital doppelganger to truly see themselves as we do.
Now, why would a developer of this cash-grab remake have this Hubert fascination?
I claim it is the same reason Hubert exists in the first place. He draws in
the criminally insane and the morally bankrupt and gives them an example to live by.
Truly, truly evil stuff. I think this is clear evidence that there are
horrible motives behind this remake, I just need to put myself in the shoes of these
despicable cretins to find out what they're scheming.
Cursed Objects and The Monolith
Even casual observers of history have the innate feeling that all unimaginable disasters
are tied to cursed physical objects. This is just common sense.
These vessels for evil actors come in many forms:
the deadly sphere of the the demon core,
the parallelized nightmare of the la machine infernale,
and the disgusting barnacles of the Bezzavetny
in the 1988 Black Sea Bumping Incident.
I can name more, but I'll save you the depression. Every evil act and tragic accident
is bound to one of these fated tangibles of doom.
Now, in the case of our pretty little game. I've noticed many objects that can
be candidates for similar atrocities. In this image, we find a bunch of ghostly
holograms surrounding a peculiar object.
Is it a cheese grater?
Is it a back scatcher?
Is it a satellite?
Well, I posit that this is none of these and all of these. See, as this
is a classic interpretation of the enigmatic monolith. A cursed object known
through history to cast light and dark at the same time; to spell hope and despair
in tandem. The monolith is many things yet nothing, but we must first interpret
how it appears to us in order to deduct its purpose.
Here, I'd say the satellite interpretation is close, and it makes us look towards the sky.
What's in the sky you ask? Well,
in 1561 this is what they saw in the sky.
Monoliths abound, frightening and confusing the poor people of Nuremberg.
I continue to contend that this whole project can be a diversion -
an attempt to distract the brightest of us (me included) and confuse us
for just long enough to get away with something impossibly cruel. The object
distracts the eye, causing us to ignore the futuristic cyberspirits surrounding it:
the victims of an as-yet unforeseen catastrophe.
The Sky Holds More Secrets
It may be just my innate connection to the stars, or maybe its that
I refuse to stare at my phone all day and produce this shoe-gazing crooked neck
that seems to be encouraged by all in society lately, but I cannot help
but look up at the heavens for answers. Not that I believe there is any divine being up there
(besides highly intelligent beings that have likely spawned our creation in ancient past,
but I digress), but I find the density of its symbology inspiring.
Which brings us here, to the beautiful moon (one of two) in this image.
Ah, doesn't it fill you with a deep and nuanced light.
Well, look more closely. There are 4 shadows of creatures hovering between our line
of sight and its lunar glory. Two are only half-shadowing, so let's call it a grand total
of 3. 3 shadows over 2 moons, well 3/2 is a very auspicious fraction found in many places.
As an avid Linux user, I find it fascinating that 3/2 is the growth factor by which
the kernel expands most dynamic memory segments. Don't know what that means? Well look it up.
One of these segments is called "the stack." What else stacks? Dollah bills, baby!
But seriously, what else does this remind you of? Well if you're born before the year
2000 like any self-respecting individual, then you might recognize this as a motif
from the film E.T. What else, that movie made STACKS ON STACKS ON STACKS. One of the
highest grossing movies of its time. What else? It also lead to the creation of an infamous
Atari game
that nearly decimated the entire video game industry by itself. They had to bury the stuff
it was so toxic and wicked. Anyway, I think this is a moment of clarity, or a pompous
display of arrogance. They are telling us what they are plain as day: foul and destructive
forces that are wishing for our downfall. Yet they think they can still get away with it.
What a sick joke.
